Oversharing, or being honest?

“I’ve found that if I say what I’m really thinking and feeling, people are more likely to say what they really think and feel.  The conversation becomes a real conversation.”

-Carol Gilligan

Over-sharing, or being honest?

Many times, I have found myself scared of being an over-sharer.  I do not feel comfortable in every social situation, or with every person, but once I am comfortable I share a lot about myself.  I know that I am an introvert, which means that I get my energy by spending time alone, compared to extrovert who get their energy from being in social situations.

Learn more about these  personality types here, or take a test to see what you are here.

I don’t feel the need to tell everyone about myself, but when I do it feels like I open a tap and can’t stop when I am with someone that I feel comfortable around.  Unfortunately, I feel like I can overwhelm those around me once I start sharing.  I think I am good at listening, so it is not that I am talking incessantly, but I could talk for hours when I am with someone that I like.

Also, I find that my filter disappears when I am comfortable around someone.  I do not mind sharing intimate details about my personal life or experiences that I have had.  I think that it is important to talk about experiences, even just to get things off your chest.  Doing this helps to process your experiences and the feelings associated, and creates an opportunity for another person to give some input and share their similar experiences.  I know that there have been times when I have said too much, or it seems like I have and then I feel guilty.  I feel guilty because I tend to enjoy being stoic and talk less about myself, therefore it feels like I am breaking a rule.  I know this is in my head, and rules that I have made that may not reflect how I actually am in life.

People need people.  We need to talk to others and feel connected.  It is unfortunate that people shut themselves off from others, and that being stoic is valued.  We need to feel supported and to support others.  The take away here is that sharing is not bad, but make sure that you are supporting those around you as well.  Listen.  Actively listen.

-GR

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The guilt of doing nothing…

I really enjoy downtime, taking it easy, having a chill day, whatever you call it.  I find it ridiculous that people need to give themselves permission to take some time off.  I always wonder if people think I am lazy, even though I am not.  I get a lot of stuff done, but I always give myself time to do what I want.

When I was still in school, (university), some girls and I were discussing reading, and I mentioned that I read 60 books last year.  They were flabbergasted by that number, which I admit is a lot of books.  To be fair, some of them were short novellas, i.e. R.L. Stine from the 90’s.  Anyways, the girls commented that they didn’t have time to read, which really annoyed me.  It always annoys me when people say they don’t have time to read.  I make time.  All of these girls were going out every weekend, and were trying to make it seem that they were excellent students that when they are not studying are working very hard at a full time job, which is not true.  They were always late handing in assignments or did them the night before, and were spending all of their weekends working at a part time job, (maybe 15 hours a week?), and then go out to drink.  I didn’t do that.  I did that in my 20’s, but now that I am in my 30’s I do not drink as much, or plan to drink.  I think it is fine to go out and have fun, but understand that you are spending time doing it, and this is time that you could be spending in a different way!

I think it is important to understand how you spend your time, and realize that there is so many hours that are wasted and could be used differently.  Everyone has the same amount of hours in the day.  Some people may not have as much going on in these days, but these are all choices that people have made!  It is not fair to judge others and how they spend their time.

Although I don’t particularly agree with this concept it seems that people need it, give yourself permission to enjoy your time.  Do what you want, and be cognizant of how you spend your time.  If you choose to watch Netflix every night then you can’t say that you do not have time to read!  Maybe it is time to switch up how you spend your time.  Put down the phone, go for a walk.  Cook a nice meal.  Take a bath or shower.  Put on a face mask, paint your nails.  Read a damn book!

I wish that life should be not be cheap, but sacred.  I wish the days to be as centuries, loaded, fragrant.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fill your days with what you love.  Do what you want, and f’ anyone who tries to make you feel guilty.  And remember, they choose how to spend their time.

-GR

The guilt of being unemployed…

I am currently unemployed, which is by choice.  I just finished a psych degree, and did well in the program which took a lot of hard work and dedication.  I have decided that I deserved a break, and the summer was the perfect opportunity for a break which can be filled with visiting friends and family, as well as getting those things done around the house that school did not allow.  Now, I am faced with the guilt of not having a job.  For some reason, people tend to forget all of those years that you worked full time, or held more than one job at a time, the minute you are not currently employed.  I remember my mom always saying, in a negative tone, that certain women didn’t work or never worked, which always meant that they were lucky and lazy.  I feel now that women around me who work full time jobs tend to think the same of me by making little snarky comments.  I even had one woman say, “oh well you don’t work”, as if to admonish any time I have spent working in the past, and allude to the fact that I would not understand what it is like to work?!  It is crazy that the decisions you make at any time are up for complete and utter evaluation by anyone around you.  No one bothers to see that I keep a clean house, do all of the household chores, and spend a lot of my time organizing the house.  I try really hard to make life easier for my husband who works 12 hour shifts, which rotate between days and nights.  We do not have children, but have animals, and I find that the lack of children may hurt my case.  If I had a child no one would think twice about how I do not have a job.

I think that the guilt that I feel is only because other people are jealous or afraid to make the same decision.  A lot of self-worth and identity are tied to the jobs we occupy.  A good way to to find out who is supportive of your actual decisions is to quit your job!

It is not fair to limit myself because of the feelings, or supposed feelings, of other people.  I need to enjoy my life.  I enjoy my time, and fill my days with work that will be meaningful to myself and those I care about.  A great way would be to write on this blog!

In the end, it really doesn’t matter what you do in life.  You could have a job and work hard at it and then people would say you work too hard.  You need to figure out what works for your life.  Be happy with your decisions and do not let those around you make you feel guilty for living your life.  Live in the moment, because you may not have another one.

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

-GR

Complain-y friends

I have been thinking about complaining a lot lately.  It is hard to be positive all of the time, and I think certain people in your life will always be the ones that catch all of your negative thoughts.

The problem:

What if you have a friend that complains, a lot. What if they are constantly complaining about the same things everyday. They may complain through text messages, therefore it is easier to ignore, but it could you feel like I you are being a bad friend.

I feel guilty for not engaging with certain texts, and for not trying to make someone feel better when they are feeling upset. But, how do you support someone’s negativity without succumbing to negativity yourself? I am already a pretty negative Nancy, although I tend to be optimistic when talking to other people. I was recently told that I am a very positive person. I admit I was shocked to hear this, but I think it is because I tend to save my negativity for those that I see a lot, or just try to keep it to myself. My husband can sometimes be really dragged down emotionally by my negative mood or views about situations or people.  How can I stop being negative, and then also try to be supportive to a negative friend?

The lesson:

I think that being able to see negative complaining in a friend makes it easier to see it in myself, and makes me want to change. I hate to think that I make my husband, or anyone else around me feel like my negativity is overwhelming or dragging them down. A friend, that is left un-checked, complaining could be never-ending, and the focus will be on the same things. Maybe I need to identify those situations or people that I am complaining about most, and then come up with positive solutions to change my view. I may be holding on to past events that are affecting the way I am looking at the future.

When dealing with other people, I think that I need to keep it simple. Try not to change them, make them feel better, or support their negativity. The only thing left is to ignore those texts. I hate to be unsupportive, or not try to help, but I need to see that they are taking advantage of me, and putting me in a situation that is not ideal. I imagine that they would do the same thing, or if reading this may agree. I do not think it is possible to be able to deal with that everyday. Essentially, they need to do what I am doing planning to do, and disconnect themselves from the situation or person and decide why they are feeling that way, but how do you say all of this in text message without coming off like a therapist?!

I cannot imagine that problems like this will go away easily, and this may very well be what the friendship continues to look be like. I need to realize that they are not like this all of the time, and that it has helped me to distinguish problems that I have in my own relationships that can be fixed.

Hopefully, at least the guilt of not feeling like a supportive friend will subside, and I can be supportive of my friends good moods and positive thoughts.

-GR

My choice, unaffected by others.

 I have made a deal with myself this year: I will do what I want and will not care what others think. I have always been fine with dressing differently and doing things differently, i.e. Dyeing my hair purple and not having a big wedding; but, I have always had a problem with how others think of me. Maybe this does not make sense, as I am typing it I find myself confused. Here is what I am thinking for 2016: I want to stop eating meat. In a perfect world I would be vegan and loving it. I will have problems with milk chocolate, but I am lactose-intolerant, therefore I should not be eating it anyways. I do not like eating meat, and always feel gross about it. I have gained weight, which I think is due to aging and eating the most meat I have ever ate in my life in the last three years! The problem with going vegan is that certain people in my life will have a problem with it. Primarily, friends of my husband and his family. Ironically, my husband does not care if I eat meat or not. Meals will not drastically change for him. I will still cook meat for him and he is always fine with adding meat to a meal that I cook. If anything, he will be eating healthier and probably less meat, which is something that he understands is healthy.  

 I need to be honest with myself and how I want to live my life, and forget about those unhappy people who do not like it when others change, or make changes. Change is good. I have always liked it and want to make changes that affect me in a good way. The people who will have problems already do not do anything to help with my lactose intolerance when I am eating at their house. Why should they care if I am eating meat?  

-GR

Welcome, 2016…

I accept the challenge.
Last year was a challenge. University has been tough, especially since I now have goals that require good grades to reach. It was hard to juggle both school, being a wife, and taking care of the house. I felt like I was not getting enough done in a day. This year I want to feel more accomplished at the end of each day. A saying I saw on social media last year, that may sound cliche, really fits with how I am feeling at the beginning of this new year. “2015 was practice, 2016 is game.” This got me thinking last year, but it definitely applies to this year.
To get more done:

1. I will do things when I think of them instead of procrastinating.

2. I am going to break tasks into smaller tasks.

3. I will make do-able to-do lists.
Hopefully, all of this will help me to feel more accomplished, as well as help me to actually accomplish more!
Cheers to 2016!

-GR

No more braces-guilt

I am getting my braces off this week. I have been waiting almost three years for this, and yet I am feeling hesitant or weird about it. I do not want to wear the braces anymore. I want to eat pop corn and apples!
But I am not looking forward to the “your teeth look so good, now!”
It is that “now” that troubles me.
This idea that somehow I was less than perfect and NOW I am closer to that ideal. My father-in-law was telling me how I used to be pretty but NOW that my teeth are straight I am beautiful.
Troubling, yes. It is like a backhanded compliment.
Why can’t he just say I am beautiful? Why does it have to be “used to” and “now”.
Of course I feel guilty because I can’t just except the compliment. I hate this feeling that because I did something to better my looks then everyone has a say in what I did.
My husband says I am over-reacting (like usual, he would add), but I feel justified. I almost do not want anyone to say anything! I wanted to celebrate, and maybe I will when my mouth is free and clear of metal. But right now. This minute. I am kind of worried about the straight teeth I have worked so hard for and what they say about me. And of course what those around me will say.
Guilty because I can’t accept a backhanded compliment. That is a new one!
-GR

My rules

I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop trying to make other people happy; I am not in charge of other’s happiness.
Focus should be put on myself. Focus on my happiness and the ways to achieve it.
Stop trying so damn hard. Just let it be.
Stop doing things to make others happy. Do those things because they make you happy.
Dress and wear makeup for you. If others do not accept you just the way you are they can go to hell.
Take time for you. If others think this is selfish, once again, they can go to hell.
You have this life. You have made it your own by making comprises and decisions. If others do not like those decisions then they can make the opposite ones in their life. You are not living for others, but for yourself.

**I came up with these rules to help me keep my focus.
-GR

A starter in guilt….

Guilt is an interesting topic.
It is felt by everyone at some time, and yet no one really talks about their guilt. We are guilty of our guilt. I think guilt is like an onion, it has many layers and can make you cry. Feeling guilty can make you feel guilty, just as feeling no guilt could make you feel guilty.
I am a woman, so I do not know the relationship between men and guilt as well as the one that women and guilt share. A woman can feel guilt on so many levels and for so many things that it warrants a whole blog dedicated to the topic (this blog!). Women can feel guilty about the clothes they wear, the money they spend or do not spend, the look they may have given to someone and what it could possibly mean, and how they spend their time. This is only a small number of the guilts that a woman could be carrying at any given time.

-GR