My choice, unaffected by others.

 I have made a deal with myself this year: I will do what I want and will not care what others think. I have always been fine with dressing differently and doing things differently, i.e. Dyeing my hair purple and not having a big wedding; but, I have always had a problem with how others think of me. Maybe this does not make sense, as I am typing it I find myself confused. Here is what I am thinking for 2016: I want to stop eating meat. In a perfect world I would be vegan and loving it. I will have problems with milk chocolate, but I am lactose-intolerant, therefore I should not be eating it anyways. I do not like eating meat, and always feel gross about it. I have gained weight, which I think is due to aging and eating the most meat I have ever ate in my life in the last three years! The problem with going vegan is that certain people in my life will have a problem with it. Primarily, friends of my husband and his family. Ironically, my husband does not care if I eat meat or not. Meals will not drastically change for him. I will still cook meat for him and he is always fine with adding meat to a meal that I cook. If anything, he will be eating healthier and probably less meat, which is something that he understands is healthy.  

 I need to be honest with myself and how I want to live my life, and forget about those unhappy people who do not like it when others change, or make changes. Change is good. I have always liked it and want to make changes that affect me in a good way. The people who will have problems already do not do anything to help with my lactose intolerance when I am eating at their house. Why should they care if I am eating meat?  



Welcome, 2016…

I accept the challenge.
Last year was a challenge. University has been tough, especially since I now have goals that require good grades to reach. It was hard to juggle both school, being a wife, and taking care of the house. I felt like I was not getting enough done in a day. This year I want to feel more accomplished at the end of each day. A saying I saw on social media last year, that may sound cliche, really fits with how I am feeling at the beginning of this new year. “2015 was practice, 2016 is game.” This got me thinking last year, but it definitely applies to this year.
To get more done:

1. I will do things when I think of them instead of procrastinating.

2. I am going to break tasks into smaller tasks.

3. I will make do-able to-do lists.
Hopefully, all of this will help me to feel more accomplished, as well as help me to actually accomplish more!
Cheers to 2016!


No more braces-guilt

I am getting my braces off this week. I have been waiting almost three years for this, and yet I am feeling hesitant or weird about it. I do not want to wear the braces anymore. I want to eat pop corn and apples!
But I am not looking forward to the “your teeth look so good, now!”
It is that “now” that troubles me.
This idea that somehow I was less than perfect and NOW I am closer to that ideal. My father-in-law was telling me how I used to be pretty but NOW that my teeth are straight I am beautiful.
Troubling, yes. It is like a backhanded compliment.
Why can’t he just say I am beautiful? Why does it have to be “used to” and “now”.
Of course I feel guilty because I can’t just except the compliment. I hate this feeling that because I did something to better my looks then everyone has a say in what I did.
My husband says I am over-reacting (like usual, he would add), but I feel justified. I almost do not want anyone to say anything! I wanted to celebrate, and maybe I will when my mouth is free and clear of metal. But right now. This minute. I am kind of worried about the straight teeth I have worked so hard for and what they say about me. And of course what those around me will say.
Guilty because I can’t accept a backhanded compliment. That is a new one!

My rules

I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop trying to make other people happy; I am not in charge of other’s happiness.
Focus should be put on myself. Focus on my happiness and the ways to achieve it.
Stop trying so damn hard. Just let it be.
Stop doing things to make others happy. Do those things because they make you happy.
Dress and wear makeup for you. If others do not accept you just the way you are they can go to hell.
Take time for you. If others think this is selfish, once again, they can go to hell.
You have this life. You have made it your own by making comprises and decisions. If others do not like those decisions then they can make the opposite ones in their life. You are not living for others, but for yourself.

**I came up with these rules to help me keep my focus.

A starter in guilt….

Guilt is an interesting topic.
It is felt by everyone at some time, and yet no one really talks about their guilt. We are guilty of our guilt. I think guilt is like an onion, it has many layers and can make you cry. Feeling guilty can make you feel guilty, just as feeling no guilt could make you feel guilty.
I am a woman, so I do not know the relationship between men and guilt as well as the one that women and guilt share. A woman can feel guilt on so many levels and for so many things that it warrants a whole blog dedicated to the topic (this blog!). Women can feel guilty about the clothes they wear, the money they spend or do not spend, the look they may have given to someone and what it could possibly mean, and how they spend their time. This is only a small number of the guilts that a woman could be carrying at any given time.


Welcome, you can store your baggage here.

Dear Internet,

This is the place where I am going to complain.  Hopefully it will be insightful and inspiring, or at least entertaining.  I want to be able to put thoughts somewhere.  Thoughts that I do not have room for in my daily life.  My complaints will probably be gendered, they will tell the story of a woman and her struggle with guilt.  Women have inordinate amounts of guilt.  It is dripping off their tongues, hanging in their closets, and tumbling around at the bottom of their purses.  It is everywhere.  Sometimes it is hereditary or learned after many long hard years.  Whatever the circumstances, it is there.

Hopefully this place will be inhabited by more than just me.  But if it is not, well then I refuse to feel guilty about it.

To each their own.


guilt ridden